by Aimee Carson

It’s the first Tuesday of the month and time for “You might feel like a bad mommy if…”

As always, I’ll go first.

You might feel like a bad mommy if, even though your children are too old for bed-time issues, you’re still powerless against your need for sleep. Because now it’s the pup that is up wandering the house in the wee hours of the morning—so you let the dog climb into your bed as a treat, just to catch a few more minutes of shut-eye.

You might feel like a bad mommy if you go to the parent-teacher conference at your son’s school and the lines are so loooooong that you skip talking to the teacher with the longest wait time.

Now it’s your turn. If you’ve had a bad mommy moment, or feel one coming on ;) click at the number beside the title to share.

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 I’ve noticed something new with my little one. He has become demanding. And completely unaware of money.

Now, I realize when I was young I didn’t grasp the concept of money much either, but I grew up kind of on the poor side. Sure, we had shelter and food on the table – but there was never disposable income for anything extra. I went to the library for my books. I only received toys on birthdays and Christmas. And there was only something special to eat if we had a coupon.  Nothing tragic there -I never think of myself as deprived. Sure, I had wanted lessons in tennis, and dance, but I learned how to work hard for the things I want so it built character.

Along the way, I never set out to spoil my kids. We don’t have tons of money either, but I noticed I am more of a free flowing type of mom. I put quarters in the little merry go round machines at the mall. I let them pick out movies from Redbox and Netflix, gifts from the dollar store, and pretty much anything they want at the supermarket.  I take them to McDonalds for happy meals. I never buy them expensive toys, but will occasionally surprise them with little things because it makes me happy.

But lately, my little one has been demanding toys. Then throwing fits if he doesn’t get them.

This shocked me. My son is not a spoiled brat, but he certainly started acting like one. And I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I lectured him. Let him have the tantrum. I didn’t buy what he wanted. But his obsession with superheroes short charged his brain until he became crazed and begged daily for STUFF.

Finally, at my wits end, I sat him down and had a talk. I explained if he didn’t want to wait for Christmas, he’d need to EARN the money. I set out the rules this way. I would give him one dollar for every job he did around the house that I assigned to him. If he did it right, when he completed the jobs to equal the price of the toy, I would then take him to the store and buy them.

I must admit, I was surprised it worked. My son became eager to work for his toys, and haunted me for jobs to do around the house. When I gave him one, he completed the job without complaints, and was excited when I inspectedt. His brother tried to mess up the room he spent an hour cleaning once, and all I heard was my little tyrant yelling at his older brother, “Do not take out any toys from this room! I just cleaned it!”

Priceless.

He’d been targeted on obtaining Mr. Freeze to battle his Batman. It was six dollars. Last week, he completed his sixth job and I informed him we were going to the store to buy it. He shook with excitement, and when we came out with Mr. Freeze, the joy on his face was priceless.

Score.

Of course, my triumph didn’t take long to fall apart.

I heard the boys talking in their room, and my younger one was warning his brother not to mess up the room. The older one then said,

“Don’t worry. We’ll mess up the room, and then you’ll get to clean it up and get another dollar!”

Then his brother said, “Yeah!”

I burst into the room and explained the process did not work that way. But the looks on their faces told me they weren’t listening. They had found the weakness in my plan and would push through the fragile crack until the wall crumbled.

Welcome to motherhood.

Have you had to develop any new rules or initiatives in your house? What’s succeeded? What’s failed?

Click on the number above on the top and leave a comment.

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Some of you are going to hate me. Some will understand. But there are only so many hours in a mommy’s day, so much money in her wallet, and sometimes I admit I cut corners to stretch them both. This is my latest bit of corner cutting:

 “Did you get them?” My son rummaged around in the grocery bags he’d just carried from the car for me.

“Er, I forgot,” I said guiltily, glancing at the frig whiteboard where the word VITAMINS was written in giant letters on my To-Buy list.

“Again?”

He’d given me a two week warning, reminding me almost daily that he was nearly out. Yet each time I went shopping I’d forget to buy his vitamins.

Muscle building is as serious stuff to teen boys. And this particular man-child never does anything by half-measures. At the beginning of the summer he’d set up a gym in the media room with bits and pieces of old equipment found here and there. For months he’d been religiously  lifting weights, doing chin-ups on a bar he’d hung in a doorway, jogging, and using one of those rubber band stretchy things to build muscles.  He’d also taken his diet seriously and been supplementing with expensive but apparently very effective vitamins for men the pharmacist at our grocery store had recommended.

The results were impressive. Over the summer he’d gone from slim and wiry to slim and WOW.

“I promise I’ll get them next time,” I said.

“I only have a few left,” he warned.

“I promise,” I said again.

And I kept that promise. Almost.

He was at school when I got home from the grocery store a few days later. Proud of myself and anticipating being a hero-mom for remembering this time I  carried the  muscle builder vitamins over to the cabinet where he kept them. I took out the old container and opened it.

 Two lonely blue tablets rested in the bottom. I decided to save myself some shelf space and add those two to the new bottle. But after fighting my way through the packaging to unseal the new stuff I was surprised to see the new vitamins weren’t blue like the old. They were…pink?

My stomach clinched. I tilted the newly opened bottle to stare in horror at the label. Women’s Supplement.  Right brand, wrong gender.

I looked at the blue vitamins. I looked at the pink.  I stared at the remnants of the Fort Knox packaging I’d torn away from the EXPENSIVE new bottle rendering it unreturnable.

Again I looked at the blue bottle and at the pink. I compared the ingredients on the labels.  

And then (bad mommy!) I dumped the two blue vitamins out on the counter, poured the pretty pink ones into the manly blue bottle and hid the two blue pills and pink bottle at the bottom of the kitchen trash can.

Have you ever cut corners to save time and money and ended up feeling like a bad mommy? Please share by clicking on the number near the title at the top of this post.

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By: Wendy S. Marcus

When the 4badmommies first started this blog, one of my main concerns was that we didn’t come off as a bunch of self-centered, margarita-drinking, mommies who ignore our children. Because we’re not.

In fact, we’re quite the opposite.

Why do I, at times, feel like a bad mommy? Because, as hard as I have tried to do the right thing by disciplining my children, encouraging/nagging them, teaching them about character and good decision-making, guiding them along the path to becoming upstanding/independent/productive people, I can’t help but wonder if I’m going about it in the right way. So many times I’ve felt like I was on them for every little thing rarely letting bad behavior slide. I’ve punished out of exhaustion and anger then worried my punishments were too harsh, and, as I listened to them crying in their rooms, I cried in mine. I’ve forced them to do things they didn’t want to do and did not tolerate sulking or back talk. So many times I feel I’ve spent too much time working and haven’t been around enough to set a good example. So many times I’ve worried that I am failing in my most important responsibility: Raising my children.

Then my faith in my parenting abilities was renewed. (For the time being, anyway!)

On Sunday, September 4, 2011, my 17-year-old son and 14-year-old daughter helped my husband and me and several friends prepare and serve lunch at a local soup kitchen. And since hurricane Irene caused major flooding in the city of Poughkeepsie, where the facility is located, we had a long line of hungry people!

I watched with pride as my children (and several of their friends) got to work. My son – who lives on Lean Pockets because he refuses to make himself a sandwich – opened a dozen four pound cans of tuna, drained them, and mixed them into an enormous bowl – without one complaint about the splashing, fishy smell. My daughter mixed huge batches of chocolate milk, lemonade, and salad, then asked what more needed to be done – also without complaint.  

When we started to serve I observed my son man the coffee station, interacting with men, and women less fortunate than him, treating them with respect. My daughter manned the salad station, and when that ran out she helped me on drinks, with a smile.  

For those few hours, in a hot, stuffy kitchen, carefully navigating a lemonade slickened floor (thanks to me who was on drinks!) my children were an impressive sight! Then came those words that I’ve heard many times over the years, “You have wonderful kids,” from a woman who’d never met them before that day.  

Sometimes, while arguing over homework, inconsiderate teenage behavior, and messy rooms, I seem to forget – bad mommy! – that when it really counts, my children shine! And I couldn’t be prouder.

So what about you? Any situations where your children made you proud? Where your consistent/persistent parenting has paid off? Please click on the number below the title of this post to comment.

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It’s my favorite time of the month : You Might Feel Like A Bad Mommy If…Tuesday! Guilt, of course, is the name of the game. I’ll go first :)

You might feel like a bad mommy if your I’m-too-old-for-hugs-and-kisses teenage son goes for minor surgery, and, while you hate to see him feeling sick from the anesthesia, you’re secretly pleased he’s now happy to receive your healing forehead kisses!

You might feel like a bad mommy if your daughter has been complaining about feeling bad for two days, and when you spot her rash via Skype  (you’re away from home working), you finally realize she’s having a reaction to her antibiotics!

Please share some of your bad mommy moments, or maybe just send me a hug so I’ll feel better!  Hit the number at the top of the post to leave a comment.

Aimee

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Please help me welcome our guest blogger today, Laura from ManvsMommy.  Thanks for stopping by. Take it away!

I used to think feeding Man was a challenge. I was very, very wrong.

From the very beginning Man was not the best eater. My doctor called him a “grazer” (What is he, a gazelle on the Serengeti?). One ounce here, a half an ounce there.  I would longingly watch my friends breast- or bottle-feed their child a full 6 ounces in one feeding…while Man shoved the bottle away and squirmed to get off of me after having finished only 2 ounces. Of course, he’d scream bloody murder for another ounce only 30 minutes later.

Next came solids.  Things improved a bit; he seemed to enjoy a wide variety of fruits and would gobble them down eagerly.  Vegetables were not his favorite, but what kid wants to eat his vegetables?  It seemed we were in the clear until one day, out of the blue, he decided he no longer wanted to be spoon-fed. Every meal would end the same; me, Man, the walls, the dog, and even the mailman, all covered in purée after he skillfully batted the spoon out of my hand a dozen or so times.  I was defeated.  Man was the winner yet again.

Finger foods provided some relief.  For a time he would enjoy his meals as long as he could feed himself.  I found an array of soft solids that he would eat and all was peaceful with the world once again…until now.

 Man has recently decided that his high chair is an evil place full of negativity and hatred.  Even as I carry him towards the chair he starts kicking and screaming.  Every meal is the same: dropping the food over the side, then screaming, escalating to crying, and eventually somehow climbing out over the tray and attempting to jump down. 

Initially I thought he just didn’t like the food until one day I found him under the high chair eating the same meal he had just thrown over the side (the dog happily sharing it with him).  The next day I let him just stand next to the chair and I fed him while standing…

Success!  Or was it?  This was a bad precedent, and feeding him every meal this way did not seem like a good long-term solution…

And it wasn’t.  He began to crawl away during meals while I’d chase him around the room with a sweet potato.  Did he have somewhere more important to be?  “Are you late for a special date, Man?”

This also provided easy access for our dog to share Man’s meals with him. I’m no germaphobe, but watching my dog lick her butt and then lick the remaining crumbs of grilled cheese off of Man’s face was just too much for even me.

This behavior has now affected Man’s ability to eat out at restaurants.  He used to be a dream when dining out: the wait staff fascinated him, and he would look like a living bobble head doll as he watched the hustle and bustle. Friends and family would actually compliment us on how well behaved and patient he was.

Well, just the other day he actually slid out from under the safety straps and climbed right up onto the table.  The teenage couple that was on a date next to us watched, mouths agape, as this little peanut of a Man got himself out of his chair and into the breadbasket. “He’s like birth control, huh?” I said to them. 

Has anyone struggled with feeding issues out there? Come share your story with me. Click on the number at the top of the post and leave a comment.

Thanks, Laura! You can visit ManvsMommy at the following links:

http://manvsmommy.wordpress.com

FB Page: ManVsMommy

twitter: @manvsmommy

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OK, I consider myself an educated woman. Also an open mother, who believes in honest communication. I have dreams of speaking with my boys when they are older about sex and giving them condoms with an understanding nod, and being “cool” mom. A mom who they can speak with about hard issues while I share with them the wealth of wisdom I have learned along the way.

Yeah. Right.

Already I am stumbling. My children are only four and six and they are asking some tough questions. Questions that I am having trouble answering. In my dreams, I patiently answer their questions until they are satisfied. In reality, I am “copping out” big time.

So, in the spirit of Letterman, here are the top five conversation busters I cannot seem to battle through.

1. God

I don’t consider myself a religious person but more of a spiritual person. Lately, my older son is quite obsessed with questions about God. I think this is a good thing, but I discovered I’m stumbling. For instance, he starts with what God makes. Does God make the houses? The plants? The animals? I’m good at that. Then he moves on. Did God make the people? Yes. Then why are there bad people? Can’t God just make good people? Umm, no because people have free will. They can choose whether to be bad or good. If God can do anything, why can’t he just make people be good and everyone can live happily ever after? Umm, I don’t know. Man, that would be great, wouldn’t it? But God lets us make our own choices and sometimes we make bad choices.

Silence.

Then, “Why does God let people die?

Which leads us to

2. Death

Ah, death. I have explained about heaven and how wonderful it is and how people die when they are old. But my children have told me they have heard some children die and babies die and why did they go to heaven because they were not old?

Crap.

So, I explained sometimes God wants angels and takes people early. This led to hysteria because they were then afraid I would be elected an angel and go to heaven before I am 90. I had to calm them down and start again. Then I had to answer questions of where the body goes, is it dark underground, and do the bugs get to them. Which led me to explain about coffins and then desperately try to change the morbid subject and wonder why they are thinking about these things. So, I smiled brightly, and suggested they take a bubble bath. Which leads me to

3. Sex

Yesterday, my boys stripped off the clothes from Goofy and asked where his penis was.  Sigh. I have not gotten the question of where babies come from yet, but I feel they are hovering near it. My son wanted to take a bath with my niece, and I gently told him it was probably not a good idea. He was genuinely confused, and I explained he was older and body parts were private. Then he pointed out his cousin was a “safe” person and can see him naked. I said she was an older girl, and girls and boys don’t really get in the bath together. This led to why, and exploded a bunch of other bodily questions and ended with, Does daddy ever see you in the bathtub? If you’re married can you see each other naked?” So, I forgot about the bath and suggested we go have some fun and poke around the dollar store which led to questions on

4. Money

 My kids ask if everything is “expensive.” They ask if I “have money today?” I explain about work and saving and tell them they have to wait for Christmas and their birthday to get toys.  When I think they understand, an hour later they will ask for something on television, or to ride one of those little toys at the mall, or to get a stuffed animal at the supermarket. It never stops.  Then I’ll go away on a trip and bring them back a little surprise – something minor. This summer, I came back with two little rubber ducks for the bath – a policeman and a fireman. I told them they could share. My little one immediately burst into tears because the older one grabbed the fireman and tossed away the policeman. Which leads me to

5. Justice

“It’s not fair!” The ultimate line uttered from kids and adults over the world.  It starts with a fight over rubber ducks, and builds to why bad things happen to good people. I can certainly hold my own with the subject of justice and sharing, but when they meld questions about justice and death and God and money, I am toasted.

The bottom line. My kids are much smarter than I think, and I need to get better answers.

Are you ever amazed or exhausted at your children’s questions? Hit the number at the top to leave me a comment or share your experiences.

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I was exhausted and needed a bath, but with my husband and sons at work all day and my daughter mysteriously quiet upstairs in her room I’d made real progress on my novel. Now, despite the fact it was still early on a Saturday evening I was ready to exchange my gym shorts and ragged t-shirt for an even more comfortable pair of pajamas and settle in for an evening of sudoku and mindless tv. But as I stepped from my office into the entry hall a swish of lacy skirts on the juliet balcony above my head stopped me mid-step.

“Why are you dressed up?” I called to the high-heels above. My sixteen year old daughter’s blond head leaned out over the railing.

“I’m going dancing,” she said.

“When?” I asked, only half-annoyed. Saturday night was swing dance night at a local church, complete with non-alcoholic refreshments and hawkeyed youth ministers. My daughter and her friends attended often.

“Now,” she answered. “Can you drive?”

Passing fingers through hair that hadn’t seen a comb since yesterday, I sighed. “Sure.”

I shoved my feet into a pair of old sneakers and she came gliding down the stairs, stunning in a flirty tight-bodice party dress with a swingy, above the knee lace and taffeta skirt. Cinderella going to the ball. I would be playing the disheveled mouse-coachman. But if she’d wanted her mom presentable in front of her friends, she should have given me more warning. I grabbed my keys and followed her out the front door.

“Who are we picking up?” I asked as we pulled out of the driveway.

“No one,” she said. “We’re meeting there and another parent is driving us home so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Hmmm. Since when did she meet her girlfriends at the dance? They traveled in packs, usually swarming at someone’s house beforehand to primp and giggle.

“Who are you meeting?”

“A friend?”

“Who?”

“A friend I met at the Chemistry Olympics at the university last week.”

“A boy?”

“Yes.”

“A COLLEGE boy?!” I started looking for a place to turn the car around.

She made a face that said I was being intrusive. “He is in college, but he can’t drive yet. He’s sixteen like me. He’s a genius in math and science so he went to college early. He’s really nice. He’s at the Jazz Festival and saw a poster about the dance and texted to invite me to meet him there.”

I forced myself to remain calm. Okay, my daughter might be all dressed up and on her way to meet a serial killer posing as a teen genius. On the other hand, Jazz Fest was going on in a park near the university and just blocks from the church so he really could be a young Einstein who’d  invited her to the church dance on the spur of the moment.

“Text him,” I said, continuing to drive while mentally cursing the fact I was dressed like I’d been doing yardwork and so not fit to simply go into the dance and play chaperone. “Tell him he must come out and meet your mother before you can go to the dance.”

She huffed, but her fingers flew. The buzz back of the return message came almost instantly. She held the phone screen before my eyes as we waited at a stoplight. “He says he’ll come and meet you. Satisfied?”

“No, but okay.” The light turned green.

“Oh, Mom, wrong turn. The dance is that way.” She pointed in the opposite direction of the church. Then seeing the expression on my face, she explained. “The dance isn’t at the church tonight. It’s at another place. Because of Jazz Fest.”

“What’s the name of this other place?”

“The Wine Garden.”  The name was barely out of her mouth before I’d turned the car toward home.

“That’s a bar!” I said.

She argued with me all the way home. Then we argued some more as I yanked a brush through my hair, pulled on a pair of dress slacks and a blouse, did a 30 second make-up sprint across my face, and doused my un-showered self in perfume. The dance wasn’t in the bar area, she said, it was in the restaurant area. And it wasn’t a bar. It was an upscale wine emporium and restaurant. Everyone was going and boy-genius was a super nice guy who’d never invite her to anything bad.

I ached to say she couldn’t go. Sixteen, high heels, lacy party dress, BAR. A mother’s nightmare. But saying she couldn’t go simply meant she might meet Young Einstein another time, another place. Nope. Best handle this now. I was going with her. I was going to meet Young Einstein and make sure he wasn’t really Frankenstein.

The area around the “wine emporium” was crowded with cars. We’d driven around the block three times looking for a parking space when her phone buzzed.

“He and his dad are at The Wine Garden. His dad won’t let him stay because they’re serving alcohol. So he can’t meet me there.” She sounded deflated. Cinderella wasn’t going to the ball.

“His dad is with him?” Was it true? Or had Frankenstein realized the village maiden was meeting him with a chaperone and chosen to hunt easier prey? I decided to put it to the test. “Tell him to meet us at the ice cream parlor on the square.”

The square was packed with people. Pierced and spike-haired goths rubbed elbows with long-haired professors, sandaled hippies, suit and tie theater goers, middle-aged date-nighters, teens on skateboards, and a host of others who drifted over from Jazz Fest. The crowds promenaded the perfect four square blocks around the beautiful baroque-style courthouse, ducking in and out of taverns, coffee shops, pizza parlors, burger dives, bookstores and antique shops.

He was waiting for her outside the ice cream shop, standing with unselfconscious confidence between a crowd of tattooed bikers with their tube-top-leather-pants ladies and a  group of thirty-something stroller-pushers. He was tall and handsome, as dressed up as she was, and definitely sixteen. I liked Young Einstein on sight.

He watched her walk up, smiling like he’d won the lottery. He shook my hand politely and took us inside to meet, not just his father, but his whole family. He offered to buy me ice cream. I declined and he took my daughter off to buy her a cone. I waited until they were near the front of the line, then joined the line and bought my own. I sat in the front of the shop with his family chatting over sundaes. He and my daughter took a small table at the back of the shop. They talked and laughed, ate ice cream, and looked like they were having fun.

I was sure having fun. The ice cream was delicious, the parade of people strolling around the square beyond the shop’s huge glass windows was fascinating, and Young Einstein’s parents were charming. After ice cream we all joined the promenade.  His family and I trailed a discrete half-block behind our daters, pausing to window shop antiques and toss tips into the open violin and guitar cases of street musicians. 

Strings of soft white lights sparkled in the trees surrounding the courthouse creating a fairytale-like atmosphere. The night breeze caressed us gently as we progressed around the square. It was all so perfect. I admit as I watched Cinderella and Young Einstein circling the block before us, I was imagining years of happy dating through college followed by wonderful in-laws and smart, beautiful grandchildren. For me the promenade ended too soon. We all shook hands, my daughter gave Einstein a chaste but happy hug, and we parted to find our separate cars.

“So,” I asked, trying to control my enthusiasm, “what did you think?”

“He’s really nice. Good friend material. But it wasn’t a love connection.”

DARN!

A few days later my sister and I sat curled up with coffee on the soft leather chairs of her husband’s man-cave – allowed to be there because the men were out. My daughter came in and perched on the ottoman between us.

“Tell auntie all, sweetie,” my sister teased. “Any cute boys in your life?”

“Well,” my daughter glanced at me, “I’ve only been on two dates with two boys so far. Mom went with me on both of them.”

My sister nearly spewed her coffee. “She went on your dates?” I could hear the outrage in her voice on my daughter’s behalf.

My daughter nodded and then, to my everlasting delight and my sister’s complete astonishment, she said, “Yes, but I actually like it when she goes along. At least,” and here she gave me a stern look, “until I decide if I like the boy or not. Then, if I do, she’d better stay home!”

(Bad Mommy!)

Do you ever get overprotective with your teen? I’d love to hear your stories. Please click on the number near the title of this post and share your experience or just leave a comment to let us know you came by.

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By: Wendy S. Marcus

About two weeks ago my husband and I visited our 14-year-old daughter at sleep away camp.

I was greeted with:

“I haven’t gotten any mail, probably because you’re so busy on the computer, writing your book.”

I cannot catch a break, even when she is away at summer camp! I replied, “I’ve written at least six letters and sent you a package.”  (At that point she’d been away for four weeks, and I’d been away at a writing conference for one week of that. But I’d made sure to mail her a letter a week before she left for camp so she’d have one waiting when she got there. Did she mention it? No.)

“I don’t think so.” She spotted my husband.

He was greeted with:

“Hi, Daddy.” She ran to him and gave him a big hug and a kiss. “I made you a mug in ceramics.”

And I started to stew. “Why aren’t you giving daddy a hard time?” I couldn’t keep myself from asking. “How many letters did he write you?” One. One lousy letter. And I know this because I had to nag him to write it. And I addressed it, stamped it, and mailed it.

My daughter shrugged, took my husband’s hand, and they walked off to begin our ‘fun’ family day. I have to admit, it took me a good half hour before I could even mutter the word fun. Why did my husband get off so easy? Why didn’t she get on him the same way she did me?

Does this ever happen in your house? Do your children expect more from you than they do from their daddy? And how do you handle it? I bet better than I did! Please comment by clicking on the number beside the title of this post.

Thank you for stopping by!

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Bad Mommy Moments

August 2, 2011

By:  Aimee Carson

You might feel like a bad mommy if the unhappy toddler screaming on the long airplane trip doesn’t bother you a bit . . . you’re just glad it’s not yours!

You might feel like a bad mommy if your child asks you if he can have a friend over to spend the night and . . . just to avoid the energy drain of getting two excited kids to go to bed,  you lie and tell him you had  plans for a family dinner out—following through on the nice meal at a restaurant, of course!

Please tell us some of your bad mommy moments.  Hit the number at the top of the post to leave a comment.

Aimee   :lol:

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