Truth.
I respect truth. Try to teach my kids about the pitfalls and consequences of lying. And have done pretty well.
Teaching them. Not me.
Before I had children, I read a lot about parents who treated their children like mini adults, and told them the truth about Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, and about evil in the world. I respected this position, but also thought to temper it with imagination and magic. A nice balance.
When I became a parent, I realized I lied for survival. A lot. I also lied to protect their innocence. Children grow up so quickly nowadays, and once they even enter the realm of the dreaded SCHOOL BUS, it’s an uphill battle.
My children know there is evil in the world. We spoke about Martin Luther King and how he was shot, and my son asked a lot of questions about bad people and if they’d shoot me too. We struggled through the conversation, but I feel it is important for my boys to know there are dangers in the world. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t let anyone touch you. Go with your gut, even if you feel silly.
So, imagine my surprise when my little one walks out into the living room with tears in his eyes and announces he has to give away all his superhero toys he loves more than anything. I cuddle him and rock him and ask why.
“Because I was told superheroes don’t really exist.”
“By who?”
His brother, of course. Sigh. Usually, this would be the part I eased my way into the prickly tunnel of truth/untruth and come up with something in the middle. But he cried his heart out and I knew something he believed in – something good and pure – could not be taken away if I could help it.
So…I told him they were real and his brother was wrong. I told him he didn’t see them because they were scattered all over the world fighting different battles. I also told his older brother they were real, and though he looked a bit doubtful, he believed me too and stopped torturing the little one. My youngest calmed down, put back his toys, and I thought the whole episode was over.
NOT.
We went to FAO Schwartz and Captain America and Spiderman were there taking photos. Of course, my boys freaked out and we got our photos taken. Perfect day.
Later that week, alone of course (why would my husband EVER be around when I needed him?) my son asked me the following:
“Mommy, was Captain America and Spiderman real in the toy store?”
“Yes, honey.”
He frowned fiercely. “No, mommy. I want the truth.”
Images of “You can’t handle the truth!” from Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men flickered in my head. He gazed at me with hard eyes. “Is he really real? Or just someone pretending to be Captain America. Don’t lie!”
I choked on my spit. “Why do you think I’m lying?”
“Because I don’t think superheroes are real.”
I confess. I just couldn’t handle it at that moment. So I told him they were real.
Fast forward a week. We were watching something on the television and my son asks me about Iron Man’s suit. My husband – el ignorato – shouts down the hallway, “Well, it doesn’t matter buddy – Iron Man isn’t real.”
Dead silence. My boys stare at me with horror. I sprint to the bathroom and grit my teeth. “Why did you do that?” I hiss. “I told them they were real!”
He blinks. “Why’d you do that? Everyone knows superheroes are from comics. Geez, why’d you lie to them like that?”
Aghghghghgghgh.
I whispered to my husband that our son was devastated and I didn’t want to pull that away from him at this young age. Not yet. He shrugged then yelled out, “OK, never mind, they’re real.” Then shut the door.
Busted.
I ended up confessing that the heroes in the toy store were representatives and not the REAL one. And then my oldest asked the final question:
“Mommy, why didn’t you just tell the truth?”
I. Don’t. Know.
Protection of innocence? Probably. The need to believe in a little magic? Definitely. But I told my son that I had made a big mistake – and that I really didn’t know they weren’t real until now (white lie) – and that I’m sorry if he felt like I lied to him and would be more careful in the future.
Because there’s also the issue of trust between parents and children, and sometimes it’s a fine line to walk.
Do you tell the truth to your kids – even if you want them to keep believing in something?
Come share with me. Click on the number button above!
I just had the conversation a couple of months ago with the younger son (eight) about why parents lie (very similar to what you’ve described in your post). That parents want children to have a magical world. Because there are some things worth making up/imagining (Santa, tooth fairy, superheros). Because it keeps certain cultural traditions alive. Then we discussed the difference between the untruths that parents tell and lies. Lies are things that we say to avoid punishment or responsibilities or to hurt people. Untruths are things that are said to make people feel better. This also extended into the little white lie category of telling someone they look nice or you like their toy, even when you don’t think that… It’s some tough ground but as long as we keep talking, I think we’ll all be okay!
Thanks so much for stopping Sarah, and for the support. Talking and communication is key as they grow and I love your differentiation with lies versus untruths. Thanks!
Hi Jen!
Hysterical post, as usual! I’ve perpetuated a few childhood lies such as the tooth fairy and Santa Claus when my children were younger. And when my oldest lost a tooth and hid it without telling me to see if the tooth fairy was real and then cornered me the next morning with an, “I knew the tooth fairy wasn’t real,” I lied and said, “Do you know how many children there are in this world? The tooth fairy doesn’t have time to check under each one’s pillow every night. So she relies on mommies to contact her in our sleep so she knows which houses to visit.” My daughter wasn’t buying it. So I settled on, “Once you stop believing in the tooth fairy she stops putting money under your pillow.” Problem solved.
But on the whole I am completely honest with my children. Because if you lie to your children and they catch you they’ll figure if mommy lies than it’s okay for me to lie. And no it isn’t….
Wait…are you saying there”s no Supergirl? I’m pretty sure there must be because all sorts of people (my family mostly) mistake me for her and expect me to do the impossible at a moment’s notice.
Because you pull it off time and time again, right Regina?! What’s your super power?
From Twitter:
KidDictionary TheKidDictionary.com
@ @4badmommies @wendysmarcus Lying to your children is part of being a parent, isn’t it? Told mine a fat man in a red suit gives them presents
I want to have super powers!!!!
That being said
clearly we all have to take the child’s developmental stage into mind. I understand completely how heartbreaking it is to see a little kid have his fantasy destroyed, Jen. Why SHOULDN’T he believe in superheroes for just a little longer? Reality is often a *itch, so why make him face that any sooner than he has to LOL?
I’d love for someone to cushion me from the harsh realities of life from time to time
LOL Wendy, it would make sense for them to assume I’m Supergirl and ask me to do impossible tasks if I was leaping those tall buildings in a single bound, but I’m apparently not clearing the first floor by their reactions to my accomplishments.
I went through the exact same thing when my son asked me if Santa Clause was real. He would always ask throughout the Christmas season and it was easy to say “yes.” But one afternoon when he was in 4th grade he asked if he could talk to me in my bedroom. He climbed on the bed with me and looked me right in the eyes and asked the question about Santa. I had to tell him the truth. I felt like it was a trust issue. He had to trust me to tell him the hard things. It was a sad day because a little of the magic was disappearing. As mothers we hate to see their world become so serious and it is hard to take away their fantasy world.
Hi Motherhood is Messy (love that title!) I would have told him the truth too – I think it is an instinct we have when we need to trust they are old enough to know. I guess it’s also a job as moms to guide them along the way when they find out life is sometimes not all magic and roses. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing!
Regina – Personally, I think we all have a bit of supergirl in us! Especially when it comes to multi tasking!!!