Recently, a situation has come to my attention. I coddle my boys.
Now, you have to understand this confession is coming from a mother who believes in raising her sons to be wonderful husbands. Strong, independent, caring, supportive. But especially, well trained in housework and cooking. I have no intention of being one of those mothers who clean their rooms, make their beds, cook their dinners, do laundry, and treat them like babies so when their future wives pop up on the horizon, the poor women go running in horror at my sons inability to take care of themselves.
Which leads me to the incident.
I was on the phone with my girlfriend, and dual voices screamed through the living room.
“Mom, I’m done. Take my plate!”
My girlfriend was puzzled. “What was that about?”
“Oh, I’m serving them breakfast in the living room, and they’re done.”
She remained confused. “So?”
“So, I take their plate and wash their sticky hands when they’re finished.”
A pause. Then a high shrill cry.”YOU DO WHAT?!”
Now I wondered if I had done something horrible. “Well, I allow them to eat breakfast in front of the tv. And when they’re finished I just take their plates and put them in the garbage. What’s the big deal?”
Apparently, this was a BIG deal.
My kids are four and six. Big enough to get their butts out of the chair, walk to the garbage or sink, and dump the plates. Right?
Right. So, as my friend furiously lectured me, I nodded and the light bulb moment clicked on. Yeah. Why was I still doing this for them? I vowed to change.
The next day, I was working on my book and I heard the familiar yells.
“Mom, take my plate!”
This time, I was prepared. “I don’t need to get your plate,” I yelled back. “Take it to the sink if you’re done and wash your hands.”
Shocked silence.
“What?” he shouted. I repeated the instructions. More silence. “I can’t! You do it!”
I grit my teeth. “You’re old enough to take your own plate!” I screamed. “Do it now.”
Silence. I waited them out and later, walked into the room.
Their plates were still on their laps. They gazed at me with sheer confusion for the rules suddenly changing. When I paused in the doorway, they both beamed up with relief and happiness, and lifted their plates. “Here, Mom! Take the plates.”
Oh. My. God.
Has this happened to you? One day, you wake up and realize you have coddled your children or forgotten they should know how to do something themselves? Like get dressed, put on shoes, buckle their seatbelt?
Time passes in a blur. One moment, they are babies, completely dependent, and I relished my role as helper. I guess I relished it so much I never realized they’ve grown up.
I am working on the plate thing. In a few days, I’m sure I will proudly watch as they rise on their own and dump their breakfast dishes in the sink so I can happily wash them.
Come share your own light bulb moments about your kids growing up. Click on the number at the top of the post. Have a wonderful, safe New Year everyone!
My husband was raised by a mother who did everything for him. Now I am forced to say things like “Am I your servant?” and “Are your legs broken?” and “Do you KNOW where the diswahser is?” and “Yes? Then do you KNOW how to open it?”
So, yeah, make them take their own plates but also make sure they KNOW that one day their wives will love even more for not being lazy, incapable slobs.
Happy New Year!
LOL!I do this sort of thing way too much.
My oldest is twenty and takes care of all his own business – bank accounts, shcolarships, college finances, and yet even from 5 hours away I am always tempted to try to do things for him. He won’t let me anymore and he certainly doesn’t need me to. The Corps of Cadets, ROTC, and college in general have turned him into a man completely competent and capable of running his own life. But I’m his mom so of course I still want to “help”. I am learning he doesn’t need my help (or if and when he does he’ll ask for it). He is being patient but, if I can’t take care of him anymore, what is my role now?
Hi Jen!
I constantly tell my children to clear their plates out of the family room, bring their cups down from their bedrooms, and clean their rooms. And yet I just as constantly find myself clearing their bowls off the coffee table in the family room or carrying down a weeks worth of cups when I collect the trash on trash day. It’s just easier than yelling. I do draw the line at cleaning their rooms. That is their responsibility. And they have not been able to have friends over or go somewhere because their rooms were a mess.
My children are pretty independent. But they rarely do dishes and never do laundry. (Except my oldest who lives someplace else.) My son – who will be in college next year – has already asked if there is a laundry service at college? And you know, I think there may be. The question is, will I get it for him?!!!
HI Catherine! Yes, you are SO right and that is my challenge. My husband, thank goodness, is amazing. I never tell him to clean up – he tells me to clean up! So my boys have a good role model, but being a mom is hard not fetching for them out of habit from when they are little, and love because they are cute! Thanks for stopping – have a WONDERFUL new year!
HI Regina! Our roles are always changing – but the worst/best must be when your children are all grown and out of your house. You rediscover yourself – but this could be the most rewarding time of your life. Take up the challenge for the new year – you have worked so hard to raise a wonderful family and now it is your time! Love you and happy new year!!
HI Wendy, I so agree with the easier to clean up then yell part! You have always been a sort of role model for me because you usually seem to take a hard line, but also cave in now and then so I know you struggle too. I think it’s something we will deal with on a daily basis – like everything else in motherhood! Love you and happy new year!
Hi Jen,
Luckily, my kids were “trained” in day care to clean up after themselves – although as I type this the remnants of their lunch are still on the table. But, I just told them to clean it up. A little advice, since our kids are the same age, watch your utensils! I cannot tell you how many I’ve had to fish out of the garbage. Never mind how many I missed. Even my son, the oldest, will go “I forgot”.
My daughter is very independent and when I try to help her, she goes “I do it” – OK, I just back off and let her. I was fortunate that they both spent a year early on with a babysitter that believed kids were capable of more than people thought.
But man are they LAZY when it comes to cleaning up toys.
HI Tara! Yep, toys are the absolute worst to get them to clean up! Good for you that they are trained from daycare – I think that’s so valuable nowadays! Hope you have a GREAT new year!
Don’t be mad at me for saying this but do you really let them eat in front of the TV? You know that’s like the biggest precurser to obese children, right?
This is my first time here and you have ALREADY confirmed you are indeed a bad mommy.
Hi Kim! And welcome to 4badmommies!
While everyone is entitled to their opinion, and for that reason we are not deleting your mean-spirited comment, we like to keep things positive here on our blog. If you return, we hope you keep that in mind. Oh, and adding a smiley face after a sentence does not neutralize the sting of harsh words.
Happy New Year!
I took to Twitter to ask our followers how they’d respond to the above comment from Kim. Here’s what they’ve said so far:
paralegalmom Andrea J
@ @4badmommies I let B eat breakfast wherever he wants; some mornings, its by the TV with PBS on. Whatever saves our sanity.
meganlawing Megan Lawing
@ @4badmommies WOW! That WAS harsh! I like your comeback tho… Mean people are annoying.
MrsWndr Megan
@ @4badmommies I think Wendy handled it beautifully.
andbabymakes4 Erica
@4badmommies Wendy’s response is great. And I’d want to point out baking full-fat, full-sugar cookies (her last post) also causes obesity.
anelehdrew Helena Barringer
@ @4badmommies I saw that earlier today and it’s been haunting me since. As moms we should support each other! The smiley face was bizarre.
As always, thank you so much to all our friends and supporters! Helena summed it up beautifully: As moms we should support each other!
Hi Jen-
I remember eating french toast in front of the tv as a small child, and we often ate dinner while watching tv. 40 years later I can look at my siblings and tell you not one of us had or has a weight problem. And yes we learned to put our dishes in the sink and eventually load them into the dishwasher.
The learning curve in life for parents and children is huge and wonderful, and different for every family. Sounds like you are doing a great job and love being a Mom to your very lucky boys!
Those wake up moments come every now and then, like my daughter has finished school and will be moving out for uni in Sydney in Feb. I’m thinking, have I taught her everything she needs to live alone??? I never did manage to get her to clean the bathroom, but I did try. It’ll be interesting to see how long it is before she cleans her own.
Hi Dale, Happy New Year! Thanks so much for your support. I let my kids eat breakfast in front of the tv, but dinner is always a family event at the table for bonding time. As picky eaters, they do not have a weight problem, or I would have not allowed them to even do that. But so much to learn in this journey of parenthood, and many mistakes will be made. Thanks for making this an environment to confess and feel safe!
HI Tahlia! Happy New Year. I bet you have done a fantastic job of preparing your daughter for life on her own, but my heart aches for you to let her go! Watch how surprised you will be when you visit her shiny bathroom and realize you have taught her to figure things out on her own -lol! Hmmm, maybe you can remind her by buying her a toilet brush as a goodbye gift! Good luck and thanks for stopping by!
Ignore that cruel comment, Jen.
People with eating disorders don’t understand that those without eating disorders can do things they cannot without any trouble at all – like watch cartoons and eat breakfast. Like newly recovering alcoholics who are sure that anyone who drinks a glass of wine with dinner is about to slide down a slippery slope into addiction-hell, people who are newly recovering from eating disorders sometimes think anyone who does things they personally had trouble with in the past (eat while reading, watching tv, cooking, or in their car) are on the slippery slope to food-addiction-hell. Not true.
A glass of wine doesn’t make you an alcoholic. A bowl of cereal with cartoons doesn’t make you a food addict. A friendly game of poker with your buddies doesn’t make you a gambling addict. Doing things to excess and substituting them for real happiness is where we get into trouble.