I have two little boys. That should explain a lot right there. But I find the most ridiculous things coming out of my mouth lately, which makes me do a sanity check.
The other day, my sons were running around naked – not a surprise – and as they launched themselves off high surfaces, I screamed “Protect the pee pee!”
Yep. Visions of that male part of their anatomy getting hurt caused a shudder. I find I say this a lot lately, and they have taken to using the adage to each other when they try something dangerous.
A few days ago, my older son declared he wanted to be like me and read “adult” books. He knows I sit in my favorite chair with my Kindle and books stacked to the side and read while I watch television every night. Now, he is a huge reader, so I thought it was cute when he dragged out his Backyardigans chair, set it up next to mine, and disappeared into my office to obtain an adult book.
And came out with a stack of romance novels.
They happened to be a few Harlequin books. Babies and sheiks dominated the covers. “Umm, honey, I don’t think you’ll like them. How about getting a Stephen King or Dean Koontz novel – something scary?”
He shook his head. “No, I like these.” He read the titles himself, beamed, and held the first one up. “What is this one about, mommy?”
I smiled weakly. “Well, that one is about a man and a woman who have a fight. Then they get married.”
“Oh, that sounds good. And this one?” He lifted the second with a man holding a baby.
“Umm, that’s about a daddy taking care of a baby!”
“OK, I’ll read these two.”
“Uh, ok.”
I sat down and tried to read. He read the beginning, skimming the words, then picked a page at the center. “Mommy what does this word mean? BREASTS???”
I grabbed the book. “Come here, honey, I have a grown up Wizard of Oz book your aunt bought you.”
“Cool!”
My other conversations this week revolved around rationally explaining why they can’t drag both their mattresses, prop them up, pour water on them, and create their own water slides in their bedroom. I spend hours debating the pros and cons of each super hero and their powers., until I can’t tell if Superman and Batman are real. I think now they are. We recently discussed how vampires like to drink blood for consumption, and how that is a reasonable thing to do since they are not human, as long as they don’t actually hurt people while doing this.
My final contribution? Both of my boys recently announced they would be winning a huge outdoor playground set for their school. When I worriedly asked where they got this idea, they pointed gleefully to the Danimals commercial which showed children winning this item for their school. When I checked the kitchen, I found eight open containers of Danimals sucked dry. They explained they had to eat a lot of them in order to win, just like the commercial. I spent valuable time trying to rationalize the way commercials sometimes “lie” and “stretch the truth” and that just because they eat 8 tubs of yogurt this does NOT mean they will get a playground.
Needless to say, they were both in the bathroom for hours that night.
Do you have ridiculous conversations with your children? Please share – I think we all need a laugh this week. Click on the above number to comment.
So a recent crazy conversation took place between me, my 14-yr-old daughter and two of her friends at a showing of What’s Your Number? A rated R movie that I did not research well enough before accompanying three 14-year-olds to it.
So the main character reads an article that woman who have 20 sexual partners or more are less likely to get married and settle down. She’s at 19. So, over alcohol she and her friends debate sex.
One asks, “Does 69 count as sex?”
One answers, “69 is something 16-year-olds do.”
Me: OY! I lean forward to address the girls. “Not 16. Never 16. At least 18 and not a day younger.”
One asks, “Does he have to put it all the way in or just a little in.”
Me: Double Oy! Gulp. I lean forward to address the girls. “It all counts and it can get you pregnant so don’t do it.”
Serious handfuls of popcorn were required after that.
Then for the clincer. One asks, “What does it matter if I have sex with 20 guys or a hunderd and twenty guys?”
Me: Triple Oy. Cough on popcorn kernals. Swig of water.
I lean forward to address the girls. “It matters. Don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t. You all want to get out of here and go for icecream?”
They didn’t….
I have had those protect the pee-pee thoughts too, as my son runs around our house.
Since my son is 4 he is too young to go to the public restrooms alone, so he goes into the women’s room with me. I try to make him turn around (we have been working on bathroom privacy). Of course this doesn’t always work, so needless to say he had the biggest laughs about the fact I didn’t have a penis. He wanted to know where mine had gone. I tried to explain in a couple of sentences and just changed the topic. smh….. And my husband wonders why I insist on him taking our son to the public restroom.
As a mom of a potty training 2 year old and another boy on the way I can actually see myself having this conversation with my boys. and the danimals story was hilarious, a shame about these commercials but hilarious nonetheless!
HI Wendy! OMG, I love that conversation!! You handled yourself quite well, other than a few choking incidents! See, conversations with any age is an art unto itself. Thanks for sharing that – I had a great laugh…
HI Optimistic Mom! I love that your son asked where yours was – hysterical! And yes, I push my hubby to take both boys to the restroom when he is around, and since my son ALWAYS has to go potty in any public restroom, my husband is kept quite busy!!
Hi Nellie! Thanks so much for stopping by and I hope my story will prepare you for what is to come. Watch out for the tv commercials! Especially Toys R Us. That was the first word both my kids read and could recognize it on any sign, tv, or place in the world!!!
With regard to commercials, I remember one year my oldest dtr cried and cried when the Barbie she got for Chanukah didn’t talk like the one in the commercials.
“Well, that one is about a man and a woman who have a fight. Then they get married.”
Lol!! Can I use this as the synopsis for my next book?!?!
Anyway, the other day my husband and I were driving through town with my 14 yo son. On a stretch of road undergoing construction, we stopped next to a road barrier that had had a plastic coke bottle stuck through a hole in the top. I wondered (out loud of course) why someone would do something so stupid and my son turns to me and said, “Mom, it’s better than the panty tree.”
Of course, I said, “W h a a a t are you talking about?”
He said, “The panty tree at the ski slopes.” My husband then proceeds to tell me about a tree out on our local slope. Apparently girls hang their panties from the branches of a particular tree. Seeing how it’s usually VERY cold and windy up there (can you say wind chill?), I’m hoping they were ones they brought from home. Of course, since I don’t ski anymore my husband takes the kids to the slopes when I’m out of town, so my next question to the two men in my life was – “How often do you two ski by this tree, anyway?”
Neither answered.
When I got home, my daughters confirmed it’s on the lower run you have to take to get to the lift. Hence they both go by it EVERY trip down the mountain. I suspect the guys were afraid to tell me that.
Fortunately, my two 17 yo girls think the whole thing is disgusting. And all I have to say to that is . . . THANK GOD.
Hi Jen,
Tonight hubby was doing exercises during the tv commercials. He was doing the frog ones where you drop from a standing position into a frog squat, hop the legs out, do a pushup, hop the legs back into a frog squat, stand up and repeat.
I started yelling, “Protect the pee-pee!” and he started laughing so hard he fell down. Thanks for sharing this post.
This is hilarious! Lol at making their own waterslides!
My daughter is 4 and an only child so mostly we’re her playmates at home which doesn’t allow much for crazy yoghurt eating or watering her matress. But I did have a funny conversation with her the other day that you may get a kick out of.
We live in a condo building and there’s this ‘grumpy’ man named Bud. Though he’s known as the grumpy guy in the building, my DD loves him and vice versa.
One day Bud said something to my hubs that he didn’t like. My DD overheard my husband telling me the story. The next day we saw Bud and DD & he exchanged in a conversation. Next we get in the car a drive away when my daughter says to me “Mommy, why don’t you like Bud?”
I replied that I did. She said that no, we didn’t like him because he said something mean to Daddy. She went on to tell me not to worry because Bud was old & he’d die soon then we would like him.
I couldn’t hold in my chuckle because in a weird way she kinda got what seemed a very adult concept. Kids!?
While reading some of the comments about going to the bathroom, I remembered when my now 15-year old was about 3 and I was desperate to give her a sibling – so desperate that I was compulsively using pregnancy tests. They’re pricey at Rite Aid, but you can get them at the 99 Cents Only Store, so every day Emily & I would be out running errands and I would take her with me into the handicapped stall, pee on a stick and then put it in the feminine napkin box. This happened so often that Emily thought theses boxes were actually storage for “Pee Pee Sticks.” One day she got curious, opened up the box, held up the contents and started screaming “A BLOODY FINGER!!!” The dripping tampon completely traumatized her.
HI Aimee! I’m sorry, you can’t use that line for your synopsis because I already stole it for my own editor – lol!!! Don’t think I will ever look at a tree by the slopes again without wondering where the panty tree is! Hysterical.
Regina, you absolutely rock! You are so frikkin funny I almost fell off my chair when I read that comment!!!
HI Kelly! That is such an interesting observation for a child – to put it together and rationalize it is amazing at that age. Poor Bud, she is kind of right and I’ve learned little ears are the absolute worst! They hear everything when you think they don’t understand what’s going on. Thanks so much for sharing this one.
HI Cathy! I can’t help it – I cracked up at this story and the horror of your child and the obsessive peeing on sticks!! OMG, so funny the things we remember when we look back. When my son was really little, he fished out a pocket of condoms from the bedroom bureau, managed to get one open, and was playing with it like a toy! Almost died! Thanks so much for sharing the story with us and for a great laugh!
I am rolling over the visual of you running into the kitchen to see all the empty yogurt containers! Brilliant plan, boys.