OK, I consider myself an educated woman. Also an open mother, who believes in honest communication. I have dreams of speaking with my boys when they are older about sex and giving them condoms with an understanding nod, and being “cool” mom. A mom who they can speak with about hard issues while I share with them the wealth of wisdom I have learned along the way.
Yeah. Right.
Already I am stumbling. My children are only four and six and they are asking some tough questions. Questions that I am having trouble answering. In my dreams, I patiently answer their questions until they are satisfied. In reality, I am “copping out” big time.
So, in the spirit of Letterman, here are the top five conversation busters I cannot seem to battle through.
1. God
I don’t consider myself a religious person but more of a spiritual person. Lately, my older son is quite obsessed with questions about God. I think this is a good thing, but I discovered I’m stumbling. For instance, he starts with what God makes. Does God make the houses? The plants? The animals? I’m good at that. Then he moves on. Did God make the people? Yes. Then why are there bad people? Can’t God just make good people? Umm, no because people have free will. They can choose whether to be bad or good. If God can do anything, why can’t he just make people be good and everyone can live happily ever after? Umm, I don’t know. Man, that would be great, wouldn’t it? But God lets us make our own choices and sometimes we make bad choices.
Silence.
Then, “Why does God let people die?
Which leads us to
2. Death
Ah, death. I have explained about heaven and how wonderful it is and how people die when they are old. But my children have told me they have heard some children die and babies die and why did they go to heaven because they were not old?
Crap.
So, I explained sometimes God wants angels and takes people early. This led to hysteria because they were then afraid I would be elected an angel and go to heaven before I am 90. I had to calm them down and start again. Then I had to answer questions of where the body goes, is it dark underground, and do the bugs get to them. Which led me to explain about coffins and then desperately try to change the morbid subject and wonder why they are thinking about these things. So, I smiled brightly, and suggested they take a bubble bath. Which leads me to
3. Sex
Yesterday, my boys stripped off the clothes from Goofy and asked where his penis was. Sigh. I have not gotten the question of where babies come from yet, but I feel they are hovering near it. My son wanted to take a bath with my niece, and I gently told him it was probably not a good idea. He was genuinely confused, and I explained he was older and body parts were private. Then he pointed out his cousin was a “safe” person and can see him naked. I said she was an older girl, and girls and boys don’t really get in the bath together. This led to why, and exploded a bunch of other bodily questions and ended with, Does daddy ever see you in the bathtub? If you’re married can you see each other naked?” So, I forgot about the bath and suggested we go have some fun and poke around the dollar store which led to questions on
4. Money
My kids ask if everything is “expensive.” They ask if I “have money today?” I explain about work and saving and tell them they have to wait for Christmas and their birthday to get toys. When I think they understand, an hour later they will ask for something on television, or to ride one of those little toys at the mall, or to get a stuffed animal at the supermarket. It never stops. Then I’ll go away on a trip and bring them back a little surprise – something minor. This summer, I came back with two little rubber ducks for the bath – a policeman and a fireman. I told them they could share. My little one immediately burst into tears because the older one grabbed the fireman and tossed away the policeman. Which leads me to
5. Justice
“It’s not fair!” The ultimate line uttered from kids and adults over the world. It starts with a fight over rubber ducks, and builds to why bad things happen to good people. I can certainly hold my own with the subject of justice and sharing, but when they meld questions about justice and death and God and money, I am toasted.
The bottom line. My kids are much smarter than I think, and I need to get better answers.
Are you ever amazed or exhausted at your children’s questions? Hit the number at the top to leave me a comment or share your experiences.
Hi Jen!
I always planned on being the cool mom, too. Only I’ve come to find my chidren think me the antithesis of cool. I talk to my children about sex and they hold up their hands and tell me to stop talking. I bring it up one on one in the car, they threaten to open the door and take their chances jumping out in traffic going fifty miles an hour rather than discuss it.
We’re not very religious either, but we do attend the important services and celebrate the big holidays. Each of my children reacts differently to religion, and I think if it weren’t for Hanukah my two older children wouldn’t follow religon at all!
It’s not easy. But I say what I need to say to fulfill my idea of my mommy requirements, then I watch them do what they want to do and believe what they choose to believe. The most important thing, in my opinion, is the keep the lines of communication open so children know they can always come to you.
HI Wendy! Very well said – keep communication open and take it from there. I loved the image of your kids jumping out of a speeding vehicle to avoid talking about sex!!
Hi Jen,
Interesting topic. Here’s how it goes in our family:
1. God: For us this one is pretty easy. DH and I are clear about what we believe and share that with our kids, respecting their right to form their own conscience and decide on their own spiritual practices as they grow into adulthood.
2. Death: We consider this a sorrowful, but natural part of human life. We are very honest with our children about death from babyhood on. We take them to all family funerals regardless of their age and talk openly and freely about the death of the body and the immortality of the soul. This is made easier by the fact that, as you know if you’ve ever been to a catholic funeral, depending on the age and circumstance of the death, they are as likely to be a joyous celebration as a mournful dirge.
3. Money: We meet as a family once a year (beginning when the kids enter junior high) and completely expose our finances to the kids using wall charts and fun visuals to track all our finances. At about 16 we ask each child to take one month when they sit with us and do the monthly finances. That keeps us all working as a team to meet each member’s needs and wants in a fair and equitable way.
4. Sex: Cringe!!! We talk about feelings, consequences, responsibility, true love, self-value, honor, sacredness, etc.
5. Justice: We discuss the power of justice to transform human experience and ways to deal with the injustice built into the reality of human existence.
Here’s the conversation buster that freaks me out – which is probably why my kids ask it of me regularly:
“Mom, do you think you’re being a good role model for me?”
uh-oh. Being the imperfect (bad mommy!) that I am I know trying to answer this one is like stepping on a landmine. Nothing good (for me) can come of it. So I usually start mumbling and suddenly remember something I’ve gotta do.
Oh, interesting subject! I’m glad to report that for now my daughter thinks of me as her friend and hopefully talks to me about everything? in her life.
But she did hacked into my twitter account and butted in a conversation I was having about her leaving home next year and how I’m afraid to let go.
And she wrote, “My daughter is eighteen, she doesn’t yet have a boyfriend or got out with friends and have never been away from home!”
HI Regina, You are fantastic! You have all your bases covered and I love the way you bring your children into the finance world. I will have to put that on my list! Thanks for the great suggestions. And oh boy – there is always a conversation buster when you are a Mom!!!
HI Nas! You gotta love the intelligence of our kids – what a way to get her point across – lol! I love that she talks to you and hope I will have that relationship with my boys.
@Wendy lol. When I was a teen I would gladly have bailed out of a racecar on the Indianapolis 500 track to avoid a conversation about sex with my parents.
@Nas You’re daughter sounds like fun. I bet she’ll do fine out in the big world. But if you’re like me, you’ll worry anyway.
My three year old saw tampons in my bathroom and insists to know what they are. I just say, “They are for girls.” “What are they?” And, I am stumped!
@Kristy Oh, boy! That would definitely be an awkward moment.
HI Kristy! Oh, thank you for that – you have no idea. I did the same exact thing with the pads and told him not to ask anymore. So he then announced to his father later on that he found out I wore diapers! OMG, embarassing!
Oh, Jennifer. With kids, it’s ALWAYS something and it’s rarely easy! I wish I had all the answers. Often I’m left with “I don’t know!”
My husband and I are pretty blunt, so I’m hoping we can handle this. But now I’m worried. I have a couple years, right?
This post sounded very similar to conversations with my 4 year old son.
We talk about God fairly often, because my husband and I believe it to be important part of his life. However, we also get in the question trap. One of the ongoing questions my son has “is why does mommy say Amen instead of Agirl?” I still haven’t come up with a good answer for him to understand.
Death, He knows that people and animals go to heaven but I struggle with the rationale sometimes that he can understand.
Sex, one issue…well mine rather is that he holds his penis quite often somedays, yes in public too. Sigh, I may have to blog about this later.
Money, I try to explain to him that we don’t have any but he keeps suggesting we just use that card……
I get absolutely exhausted with the questions and explanations….
You are not alone. I commend your efforts.
Hey, Jennifer,
The only subject I’ve had to deal with so far is justice and my boys are 9 and 5. Which, now kind of makes me nervous . . .
Have they discussed these w/ someone else? Have I totally forgotten the conversations about these subjects? (Which, in all honesty, is entirely possible.)
I may have to start adding discrete conversation starters at the dinner table. Then my hubby can come to my rescue if needed!
Also, it’s really hard to have a thorough conversation about these subjects with young kids. You’re going to have to same conversation later, so don’t worry too much about how you are now. At least you’re talking to them.
You’re a good mommy.
Abbi
I can certainly sympathize and I thoroughly believe a child’s nature HAS to be hereditary. My six year old daughter is already fiercely independent and questioning God’s existence. She found out Santa wasn’t real so why should she believe in God, she reasons. Sex? That’s already a topic in our house. I’ll just have to keep reading your blog and hopefully learn how to deal with some of these things I didn’t think I’d have to until she was 12.
“why does mommy say Amen instead of Agirl?” – Optimistic Mom
LOL. too funny!
Santa not real? That’s the sort of naughty thought that makes him skip your house.
Oh yes, we’re getting into this too. I don’t mind some stuff – it’s the stuff I don’t really know that’s hard to explain. I’m obviously not doing a good job because I’m getting, “but why?” a lot. Sigh.
My oldest always wondered about God. She always asked if God made everything who made God. Talk about a hard one. We tried to explain it to with Kool-Aide then just gave up and told her she would understand when she got older.
My oldest asked me about sex today. You jinxed me Jennifer.
Hi Laci,
Kool-aid would have worked perfectly on me. I don’t know if I would have understood God any better, but I’m easily distracted by sweet drinks so I would have forgotten the question entirely.
HI Julie! Yes, you have a couple of years but look out! The questions come fast and furious and in ways we never expected – lol! Thanks for stopping by.
HI Optimistic Mom – You have your topics covered! I laughed so hard at your son holding his penis all the time, because mine does too. I’m constantly asking if he has to go potty but he just says he likes to hold it! Aghghg! And I LOVEd the comment about the “card.” It’s sort of like a magic card they don’t understand, isn’t it?
HI Abbi – I am sorry I jinxed you!!! And I agree with what you said about the kids being older and having more serious conversations. I like to be blunt, but being blunt with a six year old seems like I’m stretching it on some of these topics. I wouldn’t push the topics on them – your kids will come to you when they need you – because you are a great mom!
HI Stephanie! Your daughter sounds smart and savvy – look out! I think children have questions on these topics at certain times – we don’t know how their thought processes go. As long as we don’t ignore their questions and try to answer, we are doing our job. Of course, I consider my job will be done if I panic and send them to their father – lol!
HI Robin, I think all children ask why consistently, even though we are answering to the best of our ability. I bet you are doing a great job. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Hi Laci – yep I got that one too. Great question. I kept telling them God was always around forever but they kind of frowned but I was sticking to my guns! Thanks so much for stopping by!
I’ve found the best plan of action is to say nothing. In a few more years, they will be giving you the answers, then you’re off the hook. Plus that whole “where’s Goofy’s penis” is just a ploy so they can laugh at your answer when they’re teenagers, and they bring up at the supper table, “Remember that time when I asked Mom about Goofy’s penis?”
HI Sandra! Yes, you are right, who the heck would ask about Goofy’s penis!!! I like your plan of action. Nothing can’t get you in any trouble – lol! Thanks for stopping by.
Wow. God. My husband, an avowed agnostic, reads our 4 year old a book about Jesus – but he changes the name Jesus to the Spanish pronunciation and makes the story about a free-agent baseball player.
Kim, that is hysterical! I’m expecting my first early next year and both mine and my husband’s parents are already twisting our arms to take him/her to THEIR church. I’m tempted to go with the Church of the Free-Agent Baseball Player now.