By: Wendy S. Marcus
About two weeks ago my husband and I visited our 14-year-old daughter at sleep away camp.
I was greeted with:
“I haven’t gotten any mail, probably because you’re so busy on the computer, writing your book.”
I cannot catch a break, even when she is away at summer camp! I replied, “I’ve written at least six letters and sent you a package.” (At that point she’d been away for four weeks, and I’d been away at a writing conference for one week of that. But I’d made sure to mail her a letter a week before she left for camp so she’d have one waiting when she got there. Did she mention it? No.)
“I don’t think so.” She spotted my husband.
He was greeted with:
“Hi, Daddy.” She ran to him and gave him a big hug and a kiss. “I made you a mug in ceramics.”
And I started to stew. “Why aren’t you giving daddy a hard time?” I couldn’t keep myself from asking. “How many letters did he write you?” One. One lousy letter. And I know this because I had to nag him to write it. And I addressed it, stamped it, and mailed it.
My daughter shrugged, took my husband’s hand, and they walked off to begin our ‘fun’ family day. I have to admit, it took me a good half hour before I could even mutter the word fun. Why did my husband get off so easy? Why didn’t she get on him the same way she did me?
Does this ever happen in your house? Do your children expect more from you than they do from their daddy? And how do you handle it? I bet better than I did! Please comment by clicking on the number beside the title of this post.
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Does this ever happen at my house? Does it ever!! It’s fun parent/disciplinarian parent all the time and I am always disciplinarian parent.
Not long ago my son decided he and his buddy were going to leave the house at 9pm and drive TO ANOTHER STATE to a CASINO. What?!!
I looked at my husband otherwise known as Fun Parent: “Well, tell him what you think of that idea.”
Fun Parent: Silence.
Me: “Can he go?” I may have been asking but any sane parent already knew the answer.
Fun Parent: Silence.
Me to son and his friend: “Go play penny poker at the kitchen table. I’ll make snacks.”
Son looks hopefully at daddy-Fun-Parent. Fun Parent (who has to share a bed and the rest of his life me, wisely shrugs and asks: “What kind of snacks have we got?”
Yes! With my oldest, and it makes me nuts. I’m always the bad guy and dad is always the one saving the day. This sounds very sadistic, but I’m glad it’s not just me. lol
Oh, yes. I can def relate. I get guilt hurled in my direction from my kids for all sorts of things my husband gets a free pass on. Perhaps because, as mom, the expected baseline for nurturing is set so high?
Hi Regina!
At my house I hear my husband say: “It’s okay with me if it’s okay with your mother.”
Then my children come to me all bright-eyed and hopeful. “Can I (fill in bad idea here)? Dad said I can.” Or if they’re feeling sneaky, they’ll come into my office (where I always seem to be) with jacket and car keys in hand and say, “Dad said I could (do something with one of their friends I don’t trust.)” They give me a kiss. “Okay?”
Not so fast…..I don’t think so…
Hi Joanne!
That’s the main reason we have this blog, so that mom’s can see that what they’re going through, while frustrating, is not unique. Maybe some wise mama will chime in and tell us what to do about this mommy daddy double standard.
Hi Aimee!
My kids are big on guilt, too. They know it doesn’t work on their dad so they focus the full brunt of it on me. And I must admit, sometimes I cave under the weight of it.
My son depends on me for a lot of things, but I am trying to get him to understand that daddy is capable of doing things too. I know it is hard to believe but the man sitting on the couch watching ESPN can pour a glass on milk.
Hi Optimistic Mom!
Too funny! It’s amazing how men can tune out everything around them when sports are on television. We need to teach children to do whatever is needed to make themselves heard!!! Good luck! (My children are teenagers and I’m still working on it.)
Okay. I justed visited Optimistic Mom’s blog and you MUST read her post. Hysterical. Click on her link up above. Trust me….
Wow! Though I am sorry to hear of this occurance I am so glad I’m not alone.
My DD is only 3.5 but this is a regular occurance in our home. Daddy is number 1 no matter what he does! It’s upsetting and frustrating and I often wonder why it is.
One thing I that does sit well with me is that I truly believe the relationship a girl has with her father sets a foundation for the kind of man/relationship she will seek out as an adult. So all good signs there!
Awesome post, Wendy! In my house, I am the only one who can get drinks, put on DVD’s, dress them, drive them places, and tuck them into bed. When I seriously need a break and am working on my book at night, they still sneak into my office and beg me to do things for them. My hubby is on the couch watching tv, doing nothing and they insist it has to be MOMMY only. My husband throws up his hands and says, “I tried!” Umm. How hard did he try? My older son once refused to get dressed in his pjs until I alone helped him pick them out. Daddy was useless. Perhaps, it’s a mommy’s boy sydrome? A majority of the time I don’t mind and secretly love I’m nuber one. The other times I’m prayng for a break. Somewhere. Sometimes!
Hi Kelly!
I like your take on it. And really, no matter how frustrating my youngest daughter’s relationship with her dad can be, lately, I’m happy they share such a close bond. And I do hope it sets the foundation for her future relationships. Well said! Thank you! I love this blog!
Hi Jen!
I like it when my children need me, too – especially more so now that they don’t need me as much or as often as the used to. But a little recognition? A tiny hint of appreciation for all I do? Share the love…
This happens ALL the time in my house. Daddy is the one they give all the attention to. I assume it’s because I’m around all the time (hubby still travels) and I do alot of the disciplining.
My 5yo is already asking: “Mommy, when do you go back to work?” But, then again, I’m counting down the days until school starts. I think it’s a two-way street sometimes.
Abbi
Hi Abbi!
I think staying home full time with babies/young children is the hardest job in the world. As stressful as working full time outside of the home was, it was best for me and my children! And I bet your son isn’t looking forward to you going back to work…he’s just wondering. Yeah. That’s it! Have you found a new job out there? I hope you are settling in.
Oh, can I relate. I am the mom of an only so I always get the crud, not the cred. She plays him like a fine violin. And my friends have said if not for me, she’d be rotten. But she’s a great girl. Just knows who is easiest.
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Hi Christine!
‘the crud and not the cred’. Love it! Girls do wrap their daddies around their little fingers, don’t they? But we were girls once….we know the deal! And from what I’ve seen and read on Facebook, your daughter certainly looks and sounds like she’s grown into a wonderful young women! So…. Go You!!!!
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Hi Abbi,
I have to admit I’m counting the days until school starts and the house is mine again. I’d feel guilty about it except the kids are counting the days too. They can’t wait to get away from boring old mom and back to their friends.
Hi Christine,
I was one of those daughters who wrapped daddy around her little finger. I know it annoyed my mom, but I turned out okay. I think. Your daughter sounds like she’s got a great set of parents.
Does it ever!! The other day my son announces that he will keep his promises to daddy but not to me!! I felt the love then!
Hi Nicole!
Oh, my! I don’t know what to say…..and that doesn’t happen often! That must have broken your heart. I am so sorry for you. I can only hope he’s made it up to you in kisses and hugs.
Oh Nicole. Ouch! Kids know just where to aim those poison darts, don’t they? Hang in there. Tomorrow mom may be darling and dad may be in the doghouse. Kids are fickle like that.
Oh Nicole, I just popped over to your blog and I can’t stop laughing. I’m married to a Were-Gerbil. That explains so much. lol!
Oh he is definitely fickle, a couple of hours later he was giving me cuddles, but it’s rather frustrating to say the least. Military school is becoming more of an option LOL
Thanks for dropping by my blog! Dee is so funny. As I said I’ll never look at a rodent again and not wonder if it doesn’t transform into this amazing creature!!
So true! ….and answers to who’s the favorite parent always pick him, any idea why?
Ok, forgot this one….if Dad’s in the wrong, why no opinions are expressed?
Hi Nas!
My children are very quick to point out when I’m wrong – which according to them is quite often! But they get on my husband about this, too. Now growing up, no one in my household ever questioned or commented on what my father said/did. I shudder at the thought!!! Kids today have no fear of their parents. Is that a good thing? I’m not so sure!
Thanks for stopping by!
I think at that age girls see their parent’s roles differently. Daddy is the protector while mommy provides guidance. Maybe she see’s letters from you as a bonding thing.
Hi Stephanie!
I know she looks forward to my letters because when she came home she told me she felt forgotten about when she went a few days without one. Of course I felt terrible. But my life is not all that exciting! Next year I’ll write shorter letters but more of them! Lesson learned!
Thanks for stopping by!
Kid seem to alternate between by ‘daddy’s’ and ‘mommy’s.’ Anyway, Wendy, quantity over quality sounds like your ticket.
Hi Jennifer!
My youngest is definitely a daddy’s girl right now! But there are moments in time when we get along wonderfully, too! I’m learning to make the most of those times!
Thanks for stopping by!