I’m going to talk about the three P’s today. Pee pee, poopie, and penises.
If that has scared you off, I apologize and have a great day.
Back in my days of potty training, I wrote a piece at my blog with this title complaining about the state of living with boys. I had thrown away the Diaper Dekor and wept with joy. Finally, the stink of diapers would no longer scent my children’s rooms. My bathroom would be relatively clean. I would no longer have to carry a diaper bag or changes of clothes. I was ready to launch into the next stage with my children.
Then I realized little had changed.
Yep, the diapers were gone. And replaced by a bedwetting five year old who caused more laundry pile ups than humanly possible. Blankets, bedsheets, and water resistant mats were thrown into the basket each morning. A morning bath became a new ritual to remove the scent of urine, and forced me to get out of bed early. He lounged in bubbles while I ran around like a maniac making sure he had enough time to catch the bus. I tried limiting fluids, making him go before bed, and even using a pee pee beeper. Oh yeah. A mommy friend gave me hers and told me it helped her son stop wetting the bed. It’s this great device that you hook up one side to his underwear and clip the other side onto his shirt. When he wets, the sensor goes off with a loud beeping to wake him up.
Now, the whole idea of this beeper is to wake the kid up BEFORE he pees, so he can get to the bathroom in time. My son, of course, is lazy. The beeper woke him up – hell – it woke up the whole household and all of the neighbors because it sounds like a fire alarm. But MY SON finished emptying his whole bladder through the loud beeping, then got up to shuffle into my bedroom and say “Mommy, I peed.” I left my still snoring husband (how do men sleep through pee pee alarms and viruses and all night crying for God’s sakes?) where I had to wipe him down with baby wipes and change all of his clothes and tuck him back into bed. The pee pee beeper is a great concept, but unfortunately, not for the lazy at heart. The doctor said he’d outgrow this stage and nothing was wrong.
Then there’s the bathroom. I am puzzled by women’s complaints of the toilet seat left up. I pray all the time for that problem, because then all I would need to do is flick the lid down and sit. Not in my house. My children pee with the seat down. Why? Because they are too lazy to lift the lid. So, if I even think of just sitting myself down on my toilet seat without looking, I am usually drenched. I’ve tried improving their aim with Cheerios and contests, but it never works.
One day, I discovered my little one at the toilet, door wide open, swaying his body back and forth while he sprayed the lid, the floor, and the wall. Of course, I completely lost it and yelled at him all the things I thought I’d never say to my children like, “Mommy is not your maid!” and “You know better than that!”
My son looked at me with wide blue eyes. “But mommy, you said if I hold my pee pee, I have to wash my hands.”
I peered suspiciously at him. “Yeah?”
He beamed. “I figured out a way I never have to wash my hands again! If I don’t hold it, my hands are not dirty. See!”
Yes. I see. My son is lazy and thought of a sneaky way to get out of one essential step of going to the bathroom. I had threatened him with disease and needles if he didn’t wash his hands after holding his penis. (Yes. Bad Mommy!) The kid had completely turned it around on me, and now I had to backtrack and come up with another lie.
The whole thing was exhausting.
As for the poop, well, I discovered boys like to go in public restrooms and do number 2. All public restrooms. Parks, McDonalds, rest stops, Target, and supermarkets. When you have two of them, they both like to go. So, I find myself frantically in the big stall, lining the toilets with paper, and chanting, “Don’t touch anything, don’t touch anything” I am completely amazed at their ability to go several times a day in as many places as possible. My son also times himself to coincide with the bus coming to pick him up, so most mornings I’m in a cold sweat to see if we will make it on time.
Finally, let’s talk about penises. I have three in my household – my two sons and my husband. Boys love to touch them. I don’t know why – I may never know, but every night in my house you can find my husband with his hand down his boxers and the remote in the other. My sons will be in their matching Cars chairs, one hand resting on their crotch, while the other holds a sippy cup. All staring at the television.
The only difference I detect in the older versus the younger is the ability to keep this habit away from the public. My husband has controlled his urge to touch himself when we are outside. My sons have not learned this yet. So, you will see me in every public arena frantically whispering the question “Do you have to go to the potty?” at least a dozen times before my mantra changes to “Take your hand off your pee pee!”
The other day I watched my older son on the soccer field. With mounting horror, he stood by the goal out on the field and began pulling up his uniform shorts so high his Sponge Bob underwear flashed the world. He then adjusted himself to a better position. A few laughs broke around us, and I bowed my head in sheer embarrassment. I caught his gaze across the field, pointed to his crotch, and shook my head frantically.
He beamed and waved.
If you have boys and a story to share, drop me a comment. I need some support. If you have girls, let me know the challenges you faced during your potty training years and beyond. Click the number at the top of the post and leave me a comment!
Oh, Jen! You have me laughing so hard I can barely type! I have two boys so I know what you’re going through. The soccer incident is priceless and the mental picture of dad and sons sitting with sippy cups and doing a trio of Al Bundy poses in front of the tv nearly sent me off my chair. LOL!
HI Regina! I am so glad I could give you a laugh. I am definitely outnumbered but boy, it’s never boring around here!!!
I love being surrounded by boys because I never have to carry heavy things or kill bugs, but the rest of the time it’s all balls, balls, balls. And the P’s!
This is hilarious!
I really think those who own penises like to keep checking that the penis is there as they are under the mistaken impression that we might actually want to steal it. For the record…we don’t.
HI Julie! Yes, I like those positives. But they will always have the penises!! And I’m here to see the whole thing starts. Being a mom really rocks!
HI Jacqui! Oh, that’s a good one, perhaps you are right. Or maybe they keep checking if it got bigger – LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Jen!
Great post! Two penises in my house…unless you count the dog. One of my husband’s favorite lines: Why does a dog lick his penis? Because he can.
Both my men have excellent bathroom habits. Lucky me!
And I’m with Julie re: balls, balls, balls – and Jacqui re: we don’t!
Good luck with the bed-wetting. Been there, done that. But it only happened when my son got overheated at night. And he was mortified each time. The only thing I’ll suggest is if you are sure it’s laziness then stop helping him clean up. Make him responsible. Tell him there’s no time for a bath in the morning. Maybe start off with a visit to your pediatrician to rule out a medical problem. And have the MD tell him, “When you wake up and have to pee you have to get out of bed and go to the bathroom.” Maybe you’ll find out a valid reason why he doesn’t.
Good luck!
Hi Jen – Great post, it literally had me laughing out loud at my desk. (Which kind of brings attention to the fact I’m not working.)
My 5 year old boy is actually pretty good with keeping it in the toilet, and has not wet the bed – at least yet. I think it’s to make up for his terrible sleeping habits the first 3 & 1/2 years of his life.
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I do have one story from when he was first potty trained. DS is sitting on the toilet with the door open – in my house that means he’s staring at it. So what’s a boy to do but try and aim for it! What a mess.
OMG…that was great!!…need windex for my monitor screen…
LOl, this is great, Jen! I can relate to all of these!
Not lifting the lid so mom sits on urine speckled toilet seat? yep! Aiming for something OTHER than the toilet? yep! Hand down the pants? yep! LOL I could go on and on.
One comment though. Nocturnal enuresis (bed wetting) is pretty common (my daughter had it and outgrew it by the age of 7) The alarm works for some but not others. Having him help clean up is ok, but the important thing is not to be punitive about it because he really can’t help it.
Oh, Tara! Waht a mess indeed! But what a great story to tease him with when he’s a grown man with a family of his own.
HI Wendy and Aimee! Thanks for the feedback on the bed wetting. I’m just going to be patient and wait it out. My son is not mortified unfortunately – he’s too laid back to care – lol!! But we will get through it – that is why this blog and some humor are so helpful!
HI Tara! So glad you stopped by. I cracked up at your story – there are always so many doozies with boys, aren’t there!!!
Hi Lisa! OK, if you needed windex then my work here is done!!!
Oh my goodness I love this post. I had such a laugh. I have three penises in my house. I’m the only girl. Luckily for me, my husband and my oldest don’t feel the need to touch it all day long and they have good aim. My youngest however seemed to have a fondness for his. There for a while, his teachers were forever asking me, “why does he do that?”. My answer? I have no idea. Maybe to check and make sure its still there? I asked him once, a couple years ago, and he told me he was adjusting it. It gets sticky he said, and he doesn’t like that. Oookay. Now that he’s a bit older (he’s 11 now), he doesn’t do this much anymore. He understands now why he can’t do this in front of other people.
He still can’t aim worth a darn, however. So I’m with Wendy–if it’s laziness, make him clean it up. That’s what I do with my youngest. I keep those Clorox Cleanup wipes in the bathroom and if I catch a mess, I tell him to please go wipe it up. Hasn’t improved his aim yet (and he’s 11), but at least I’m not cleaning pee off the toilet all the time.
Bed wetting I got really lucky with. My oldest had a few accidents over the years, but learned rather quickly. My youngest is a bit of a late bloomer all around, so he was in potty training as well, but believe it or not, he’s never had any nighttime accidents. His problem was not having them in school. He had to learn when to go to the bathroom and not to hold it until it became an emergency.
Great post!!
Hi Joanne! Love hearing about the kids and the three penises, hysterical. Great idea about making them clean the seat. I just do it myself and never even thought about making them clean up! Thanks for sharing and stopping by.
Oh so funny! My son is only 17 months old but he has been taking every opportunity to grab his penis since he was oh, a few months old? Now he like to pull down on his diaper and give it a good tug or two. Why why why?? I see that I have much to “look forward to”.
thanks for stopping by my blog!
I don’t have any story for you at the moment because my first baby girl is due in two weeks from now!!!
I will keep you posted!
That’s ok – you will have plenty to share with us very soon!!!! Am so excited for you!